Planning your entire life around something that might never happen. Injecting aggressive stimulants into your belly and shooting up hormones. Spending hundreds on obscure supplements or thousands on fertility clinics. Going gluten, wheat, sugar and everything-free (just in case). Endless waiting.
All worthy reasons in my book to want to stop battling infertility, but these daily deprivations won’t garner you much sympathy.
There is, however, one excellent mental-health reason for never feeling guilty about saying goodbye to the miserable rabbit hole of trying and failing to conceive:
Limbo
*(Noun): “An uncertain situation that you cannot control and in which there is no progress or improvement”.
I’m talking about people who have got to the stage where they feel that their lives are in suspension. They might be considering whether to bother having low-odds IVF. They might be trying to conceive via donor egg, and failing. They might be wondering whether they want children enough to put their lives in cold storage for another year.
The sensation that your life is on hold. That the rest of your life is pending rather than happening. These are common threads throughout the narratives of people who decided that something had to give, that they had to stop in order to continue.
I used to compare it to repeatedly sitting an impossible, esoteric exam that I failed time and time again: I’d never do that in real life; I’d put it to rest and find something that was more attainable and would make me happier.
So you exit the lottery. There might be a couple of years of serious malaise as you work out what to do with your life, while everyone around you is busily distracted with kids and chaos. You may feel that there are no new chapters ahead, no milestones or markers.
To those immersed in early fertility treatments, I’m the grim reaper. I get that. But I’m here to say that my life is better and more fulfilling at 44 (knowing that I will never have children) than it was at 37 (not knowing whether I would ever have children).
One day, you simply start to feel better about it.
Facts
- Civilians (family members; fertile friends) might not empathize with your motives for stopping. You may not have the energy to explain IVF failure rates, or why adoption is not for you, AGAIN.
- Said friends and family will probably then forget all about your ‘flirtation’ with infertility.
- The general population will either not care or have an offensive opinion (see any newspaper comment thread on the topic).
Rehabilitate yourself in the aftermath by finding your people. Here are six of the best targeted websites for resources and forums (rather than personal blogs), which I had on my Favourites in 2010 and which still act as great havens and launchpads today:
1. Life Without Baby. One of the original and best. Its mission is to provide resources, community, compassion, and support to women facing a life without any children:
2. The “Moving On“ forum of Fertility Friends, for the sole use of members who face a future without any children. This link should take you straight to that forum (thus avoiding the TTC boards):
3. Coming To Terms. The original incarnation of Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos’s Silent Sorority site. This link offers tons of resources for those embarking on a new life after confronting infertility:
4. The “On The Fence“ forum of The Childfree Life, which offers support for the undecided. Lots of input around the question ‘But what if I regret not having kids?‘. Not just ‘breeders vs non-breeders’ rhetoric. Click on link & scroll down to find this forum:
5. Stirrup Queens: the “Living Child-Free Room“. The Stirrup Queens site has been around for years and is a mega-resource. I like this particular page as it’s targeted at those who have opted out of adoption and donor:
6. I think I found Jody Day in or around 2010 but Gateway Women has since developed into a mammoth resource for those living without kids:
Different Shores 
You’re so right about this.. our lives in suspension, our future on hold, the feeling of being stuck, all the crazy things we keep doing hoping something will work… it’s no way to live!! I’m almost there at this moment. Every day I think to myself, if this cycle doesn’t work, I don’t know if I have it in me to try again. I’m about done and tired and bruised and ruined and need to move on and find another way to be happy. Though I’m not ready to discuss it with my husband yet. It’s a difficult decision if both parties are not on the same page. Even though I’m sure he wouldn’t ‘force’ me to continue treatments, I don’t want him to resent me in the future.
I love your resources list. So useful. Maybe add Justine’s Ever Upwards site too?
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It’s a really sensitive subject but you’re right, it’s no way to live. I’ll check out Ever Upwards, I don’t think I know it – thanks so much
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Adding that one here so hopefully a collection might start to build up in the comments (ever-optimistic..).
Justine Froelker’s excellent site Ever Upward is about finding your path in life without motherhood: https://everupward.org/
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LWB is my top one too. It’s been helping me a lot since the time I have come to terms living a childless life. I just hope that there are women from my country who come to terms too. This issue is not openly discussed in our culture where in US and Europe I have read may articles and jump for joy that our kind are now bold in speaking about it. But that is not the case here in the Philippines. I know those women just keep it to themselves, very afraid of being judged, I don’t know and I just wish that things would change soon. I hope to find childless friends in real life where we can freely talk about childlessness without our pride being taken away and live like normal women and be happy.
These websites and forum are great help, but sometimes I wish I could talk about it and have friends who are in the same boat and would understand me. I just want to live my life without thinking about the should-have-been’s and the what if’s, the things that women around me keep on insisting on me. It’s so hard being childless in a third world country children-worshiping society
Anyway, I just registered on the Moving On forum. Can’t wait to read all the discussion there. 🙂
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Hi Claire I’m really sorry it’s so ‘underground’ where you are. It’s definitely becoming more and more openly discussed in US and Europe and I wish the rest of the world would follow suit. Thanks so much for stopping by
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Yea I can relate to being stuck in limbo going through infertility treatments, wondering when enough is enough! My husband and I are unsure whether we would stop if the third round fails of whether we would try for a fourth (maybe mini/natural). That would be our limit though and in some ways it’s good to have an end in sight so I can eventually get off this roller coaster. A family friend who knew I was going through this told me about her friend’s daughter who is pregnant now after her sixth round. She told me to give me hope but when I heard that story I just thought that I wouldn’t want to have to go through SIX IVF rounds, it’s just too much for me! If I knew it would work then probably but there is never a guarantee.
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Hi Dubliner, I wish I had done the mild/natural version – it’s my belief that it’s equally if not more effective; I would have done a few of those instead of one very aggressive blast like I did. A friend here did Napro – I was sceptical but it worked very quickly away for her. Yeah I would feel exactly the same if someone suggested six rounds to me – I understand completely
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I love this list of resources, including some that I didn’t previously know of!
Limbo was the hardest phase for me. It’s a big part of the reason that I got the IUD. Of course there were underlying medical reasons too, but eliminating any chance of pregnancy is what truly allowed me to begin healing (something I personally couldn’t do when there was still a chance, albeit a reallyfuckingsmall chance).
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I agree BnB – I feel more stable now myself knowing that there’s no chance of it happening.
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yes, you wrote it so beautifully!
thanks for sharing the links.
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You described it perfectly.
Planning your life around something that may never happen. Limbo. Putting your lives in cold storage. Life pending instead of life happening. Everyone around you being busily distracted with kids and chaos.
This is why it’s so important that women living life after infertility connect with each other. We give each other words to describe our experiences. We don’t have to explain things in order to understand.
Thank you for this post. I think it’s awesome. I know I feel better after getting off the fertility treatment roller coaster, and I hope your post and the links you gave helps someone who is undecided but very, very tired and depleted.
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“Depleted” is the perfect adjective for it. Yes, it helps so much connecting with people who understand. Thanks so much Phoenix
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Thank you for posting this. I’m about to embark on my 8th round of IVF, donor this time. If this doesn’t work then I don’t think we will try again. I am truly sick of living my life in limbo, as is my husband. You describe it very well! But the thought of truly facing up to a life without children is extremely hard so thanks for the resources.
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Great post! I think it sadly helped as I aged (also in my 40’s), people aren’t as rude about continuing to pry into my life’s trials or decisions. Sometimes I wonder what they are thinking now, how has their thought process changed that they are stopped in their tracks. Couth maybe. My friend’s kids are old enough, that my friends finally have other interests. Alas, I also used to beat myself up, thinking I would have been a terrible mother any way. Some kind of a defense mechanism, I think. We can be so cruel to ourselves in that limbo. I knew I had made it through the storm, when I finally believed I would be a wonderful mother, just not in this life time.
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It’s weird, all the psychological stuff that comes out, the defence mechanisms etc – I found it hard to know what I really felt most of the time
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What an accurate description of the state I was in for years! Feeling “in between”, waiting for something that didn’t happen, focusing on what I didn’t have… A very unhealthy thing to do in the long run, but it couldn’t be helped… I’m glad this is behind me now.
Also, thank you for this list of websites. I hadn’t known all of them either.
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Off topic but truly I should have written something similar about the topic of ‘finding boyfriend/husband/partner’… it’s so similar!!! A life in limbo! I’ve never tried your limbo but I connect with it. It’s only necessary to substitute a few expressions in the post, even the Facts section matches…
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So true, I can see that 100%
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What a wonderful list of resources! I think limbo is absolutely the right term. And depleted, and life in cold storage. I am still in that state, and it is terrible. Just demoralizing, actually. We were in the “never give up” camp, and then when no one would tell us to stop from the medical camp, we decided to call it and end our IVF journey. After 13 cycles, which now seems UTTERLY RIDICULOUS. But I couldn’t let go of thought that the next one might be THE one, and everyone knows someone who has a “miracle story” (God I hate miracle stories). I wish I had a time-turner and I could have started the adoption process earlier, when I was younger and we had more energy. I am SO VERY TIRED. Adoption isn’t physically taxing but it sure is emotionally trying, and waiting with nothing to hang on to (there’s no transfer date, no beta tests, just endless “it could be anytime” living), and I wish I weren’t so burnt going into it. Living life on pause for seven years without anything that seems like real progress is exhausting. I’m not ready to say NO MORE, but in some ways I feel some sort of resolution would be preferable to continuing on this way. I so hope that that call comes sooner than later, before we get to the point where we hit breaking and say I JUST CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. I will check out your list of websites–some are unfamiliar to me, and it’s a perspective that lets me see possibilities in an alternate decision. And jeez, to all the people who think that it’s a “flirtation” or that deciding on childfree not by choice is somehow an easy way out or makes you less somehow. Idiots. It takes a lot of strength to make that decision on your own, to be the one taking the reins and deciding how you want to live your life. I respect it so much, and have a bit of envy, actually.
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Hi Jess, adoption limbo is worse, I think – you express it really well and if only the general population and those people who say “Adopt!” on IVF article comment threads could understand the essence of what it’s really like.
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Saving this post so I can come back to check out the resources as needed. Kind of in the undecided camp now that I’m getting older. I would love to have a child, but I worry if I have the energy for motherhood. But then, in floats the hopeful thoughts again.
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Hi Jamie… I know what you mean about the energy levels… And whereas before I worried what I’d do with myself without kids, I relish every bit of ‘quiet’ time I have outside of work these days…I seem to always be knackered
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Thank you for the resources. While I am still in the early stages, I am struggling to figure out if I should keep trying or call it quits… limbo explains it all so well!
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