Continuing the theme, Emilie Pine in Vogue writes about ‘the mixed blessing of never conceiving’. I’m about the same age as Pine and I agree with everything she says about the aftermath of discovering you’ll never be a parent. The ‘window’ for conceiving, when you can’t actually conceive, can feel like the worst kind of limbo, the future an unpunctuated void:
For a long time, during what I think of as “the baby years”, I felt as if I were on the sidelines, as if the centre of life were moving on without me.
I love that she read the same article as I did (I recall this one clearly! The Guardian magazine if I’m not mistaken…), and had the exact same response:
During the baby years I read a piece online, one of the first I’d read about infertility, written by a woman who had spent years unsuccessfully going through IVF. She had taken up sea swimming in response. I felt so much solidarity with her, with the emotional pitfalls and loneliness she expressed, and admiration for her resilience. In a dark time, it gave me hope. And then I saw the bottom of the article. A picture of her smilingly holding her daughter. “It was all worth it in the end,” she said. I could have thrown the laptop across the room.
But The Fear passes, and you might emerge happier on the other side. For her own narrative, Pine chooses to reject the tragic childless woman trope and write herself a happy ending:
I wrote about the great life I saw ahead for me and my partner. A life without children. It felt speculative. And it felt hopeful. And, most of all, it felt like a giant “f**k you” to the persistent expectation that a childless woman is a tragic figure.
This I love. And to those who despair because they cannot find other couples their own age to take inspiration from:
For years I looked elsewhere for models of happy older couples who did not have children. It is only now that I realise I don’t need a model: we are living it.
I write this occasional blog for one reason: in the hope that people out there who are just entering the post-‘baby years’ – strangers to me who will read this without my ever knowing it – will stumble upon it and be comforted to know that this too shall pass, as they say.
Yes! I have survived tragedy, but my life is not tragic. Even after leaving my husband and getting divorced, the idea of which would have incapacitated me just a couple of years ago, my life is not dismal or lonely or depressing. Actually, going through infertility and being in a marriage that was wrong for me were all of those things.
But I chose to move forward and I chose to LIVE. Do I still get sad sometimes? Of course. But the periods of sadness get shorter and further apart. My life without children is awesome. I worked hard to create a life I want to live.
P.S. I was so happy to log on and get to read two posts from you, Shores! Hope you are well and enjoying life!! 🙂
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Aw Phoenix you are great I’d love to meet you for a drink!
Ha I’m editing this comment as the above looks a bit bizarre… But I just read your lists post and was struck by how fab you sound!
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Hi Different Shores! I’m happy to read from you as well.
“But The Fear passes, and you might emerge happier on the other side.” – I agree!
I have added Notes to Self to my winter reading list :-).
Greetings from rainy Switzerland!
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Thanks E, can’t wait to hear what you think of the book!
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Your very last sentence struck a chord in me. You see, I wrote a book entitled, “This Too Shall Pass” all about my infertility journey and how I learned to be happy living childfree. I self-published it in the 90’s, before it was easy to self-publish, and it’s no longer available for purchase. At the time, I had just recently climbed out of the infertility hole, so the sting was still fresh in my memory. All these years later, it’s much easier to look back without feeling the pain.
In regards to the author, Pine, when she got to the end of that article with the woman holding her baby . . . that struck me, too. It’s so frustrating when you feel such a bond with someone and then you find they really don’t get you at all.
I read a book when I was going through infertility that made me feel the same. For the life of me I can’t remember the name of it or the author. I put her out of my mind because the end bothered me the same way. She went through treatments and then decided to adopt. She told 2 entire stories of adoptions falling through. In the end, she adopted a child from overseas and her life was fulfilled. 😣🙄 Yeah, I threw the book.
BTW, I was just reading some old drafts in my queue that I never posted, and one of them has to do with this same subject. I don’t write about it much, so I’d forgotten I had it in my queue.
Thanks for this great post.
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Hi Lori, did you really write a book – I’d love to read it! In all honesty I still scan articles to see if there’s a ‘baby at the bottom’ – I won’t read them if there is. It’s not raw, it’s just that I can’t relate to that pat ending, the implication of ‘fulfillment’, that the only happy resolution is a child. I love that Pine calls out a big f*ck you to that! Have you published that draft? I’ll nip over and check!
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Hi DS. No, I did not post that old draft about this topic. If I do post it, it will be after the first of the year. I can let you know, if I remember. 😝
I really did write a book about my infertility journey. It’s filled with heart wrenching poetry and then turns into a sort of handbook with the steps I took to help me through. It has a happy childfree ending, but it’s not available anymore for one reason. It was published long before I knew the in’s and out’s of writing and publishing, so it’s not well done. I’d be too embarrassed to show it to anyone now that I’m more educated on the process.
Also, years ago I wrote an article that I never published about why adoption isn’t always an option for everyone. I’ve thought about posting it on my blog, but it’s long, and I try to stay away from long posts. Not to mention, it’s really not the theme of my blog. I might someday post it in three parts.
Hope you’re doing well there across the pond, and staying warm now that winter has begun.
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I’d be interested in reading that article about why adoption isn’t an option for everyone. It can be taboo to admit that you don’t feel able, or want, to adopt. Yes do let me know if you post about the current topic! It’s very mild here today, it fluctuates so much in Ireland but never really gets freezing like it does in the UK. I like the cold, though, tbh….
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Completely agree with Phoenix. This idea of “tragic figure” drives me crazy because it’s a label applied to an individual that overshadows everything else about them. Infertility is a tragic and traumatic life event, but everyone going through it and on the other side of it isn’t the trauma and tragedy.
Also, I believe that the reason the “models” you were looking were absent has so much to do with what the publishing industry was willing to publish. Thankfully that is now changing, but there’s still a need for stories about those who are not parenting after infertility. Your lives are full and your journeys just as powerful.
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Thanks Cristy, I’m thinking up new ways to challenge the ‘tragic’ trope, watch this space!
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Yes! I’m glad you’re writing. (And Phoenix too – she’s great!) We never know who we might help, but letting people know we’re okay, that we don’t need children to complete us, and that we seek understanding, but never pity. Brava!
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Cheers Mali!
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I love your post. And I love the reason why you write your blog…. this is also one of the reasons why I still write mine, although the dark years of infertility are definitely behind me. Wishing you a nice weekend, Klara
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Thanks Klara! I think the dark years are behind me too
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quite interesting article you have shared. Thanks for publishing.
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