I’ve stolen that title from Jess, who has written another great piece over at My Path to Mommyhood
As a couple who couldn’t have kids, I sometimes wish we did more “thumbing our noses at the situation”, as Jess describes it – like going out for dinner in the middle of the week just because we can. I was always very defensive with mums when they moaned about how hard parenting was:
You don’t get an unbroken night’s sleep? I haven’t had one since I was 18!
You never go out? Try a full-time office job and see how it saps your midweek motivation!
You can’t even have a dump on your own? Try a lifetime of silence without any kids at all!
I suppose between the lines I was screaming “Don’t you get that I couldn’t have kids?”. I was pickled in self-pity; it got tiring: all it achieved was an impasse between me and people that I genuinely liked. But when you’re raw, it is hard to listen to that stuff from parents. And just as I marinated myself in misery in those days, I think that competing to have the most tortuous homelife can often turn into a sport for some parents.
It’s hard for them to appreciate that someone might crave the chaotic routine that they currently find onerous; that the uncanny, perennial quiet of a house without children might not be a welcome luxury for some.
Now, as a resolved childfree person, I am more circumspect. My attitude just changed at some point. And to be fair, my parent friends never made stereotypical assumptions about my having some kind of louche, libertine lifestyle. And several of them go out much more than I do – compared to one particular mate with three kids under thirteen, I am an agoraphobic hermit. Some mums read voraciously, some childfree people don’t read at all. These things don’t seem to depend on whether you have children or not, in my experience.
I no longer obsess, as I used to, that my life should be bigger, better and more impressive just because I failed to produce children. I see that parenting is bloody hard; I see what responsibilities and outcomes parents hold in their hands.
Anyhow, like Jess, I’m still careful about using that loaded clause “because I don’t have kids”. In my case, it’s because I’m leery of implying that I might have advantages that they don’t have: I don’t want to encourage a stand-off. And there might still be a tiny, hurt voice in the back of my head – a hangover from the pity-party days – that refuses to fully concede that there are silver linings to my situation.
As Jess says, I don’t want to overglamourize not having kids and the freedom it brings, but I do still want it to be known that you can have a “lovely, full life” without them.
Honestly, it’s probably time to just own it.
Parents (hopefully) get rewards back for the sacrifices they make in raising children.
We have to make our own recompense for the things we have given up or lost, and we shouldn’t really be reticent about that, should we?
Thanks to Jess for the inspiration
http://mypathtomommyhood.blogspot.ie/2017/02/because-i-dont-have-kids.html
Different Shores 
Reblogged this on Irishwomenblog and commented:
Wonderful piece thank you so much. I now always respond. When asked have i children. Dead or alive? That i find makes others think about what they have actually asked. Soul sister hugs.
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Hello and thank you so much Irishwomenblog!
Good answer right there x
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Interesting…oh the questions you get…I have 2 adopted from China children…believe it or not (I’m sure you will believe this…) I have been asked/challenged why adoption…is it because I couldn’t have kids?…I chalk all this up to ignorance but it’s real and out there and just nutty…Irishwomenblog…love the dead or alive response…warning to all…if you are going to ask the questions, you may not get the response your were assuming you’d get. 🙂
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I just don’t get why people see your kids and feel the need / think it’s OK to ask those things – unless they are under ten years old and curious. Otherwise they’re tools.
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Oh yes! This was essentially the message in my last post too. That one day, we have an attitude shift, and it becomes easier to embrace our lives without grief or guilt or yearning.
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Your blog’s are always what I need to read at exactly the right time!
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PS- I would love to hear about how you came about being a “resolved childfree person” as I think about this often.
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Hi Myrtle, Mali describes it really well above, it’s “an attitude shift” that comes about organically; you realise one day you’re OK with it. I’ll try and gather together people’s ideas on it and do a piece maybe x
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Thank you, your the best 🙂
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I’m always leery of comparisons as we often only get a snap-shot of people’s lives. But the other end is that those who truly focus on the comparisons usually do so from a place of unhappiness. Still, I do believe it’s important to remind people that having a full life isn’t dependent on following a specific life-script. It’s usually those who find their own paths that live life to the fullest. So keep blazing that trail. And never apologize.
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Too farking right. Some people get the urge to punch Nazis, I often have to restrain myself from taking a kipper to both cheeks of many a myopic parent with the psychological cop-on of a centrimetre. I would love to see sorts of exchanges written into films, tv, and comedy.
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Thanks for linking to my blog, I love your thoughts on this! This is the part I love the most: “It’s hard for them to appreciate that someone might crave the chaotic routine that they currently find onerous; that the uncanny, perennial quiet of a house without children might not be a welcome luxury for some.” I feel that all the time. Also the fact that of course parenting is hard, of course there are sacrifices, so hopefully there are benefits that can be reaped unapologetically for NOT having kids, whether you are resolved or living childfree while still hoping for a change. I love that, not being reticent. Thanks for adding your voice to my thought, I love the conversation!
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Honestly, my reaction used to be a lot like yours when my friends with kids said “at least you get to sleep”. It really bothered me that they thought my life was so much better while it absoutely was not. I have suffered from insomnia, too. It started with the treatments. So I would tell them that, when they don’t sleep, at least it is for a good reason, while my insomnia seemed completely pointless!
Now I am able to remain calm when those topics arise in conversations. The other day, when a friend of mine began telling me how much better/easier my life was, I immediately told her that we have to be careful thinking that “the grass is always greener on the other side”. It never is (on either side)!
Oh, and I completely agree with you: “We have to make our own recompense for the things we have given up or lost, and we shouldn’t really be reticent about that, should we?” Still working on that one.
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I too am less inclined these days to want to retaliate if friends with kids imply my life is easier. I’m more likely to say what you say – that “the grass is always greener”, or even “it’s in your own hands to change it”…. There are usually ways to change any situation, even slightly.
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I can relate to this post a lot. It was a lot harder to hear insensitive comments when I felt really raw from infertility. Now I can brush off people’s comments a little bit easier. What people say is really a reflection of them, not me.
In a way I want to say “Because I *can’t* have kids,” but then I also don’t want to say this. I want to say it because I didn’t choose to not have kids. But I don’t want to say it because I don’t necessarily want to reveal that part of my life. I also don’t want to continually reinforce to myself that I am living my second place life, like everything is a consolation prize. I felt that way for a long time.
Now I am embracing my life. It is what it is and it’s the only one I’ve got. So I might as well make the most of it. I haven’t heard anything insensitive in awhile so maybe I am projecting a different sort of attitude. Or maybe it’s just been so many years that I’ve heard it all. Haha probably not- I’m sure there will still be some comments in the future that will catch me off guard.
Overall, I guess I’m just tired of explaining myself. So I just let people just say what they say and think what they think without reacting. Their comments and actions let me know if I want to choose to be around them again in the future.
This is a long-winded comment, and I’m afraid I’m not saying much. But I loved this post!! I, too, “don’t want to overglamourize not having kids and the freedom it brings, but… still want it to be known that you can have a ‘lovely, full life’ without them.” As usual, very well written Shores!! 🙂
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Thanks Phoenix..”What people say is really a reflection of them, not me” – I want to highlight that sentence as I find it really helpful and often forget it
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I have kids andbI can’t imagine life without them but I wouldn’t tell anyone their life isn’t as great because they don’t have kids. From some people what YOU have is never enough for them. While I was still pregnant with my second child, another girl, everyone kept telling me I needed to have a boy. I thought “can I please have this one first before you start telling me how my life won’t be complete without a boy?” A year later and no boy still, and my life is pretty complete.I personally think telling someone who doesn’t have kids that they NEED some is inconsiderate, especially if the reason for them not having kids is unknown. Some parents need to relax; they have a child and all of a sudden everyone else should too. We don’t know what will complete us until we have, I believe. Always be grateful for your now, even if others don’t share your same feelings.
Great post!
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Thank you, entrepreneurmama101!
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You’re welcome!
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“And there might still be a tiny, hurt voice in the back of my head – a hangover from the pity-party days – that refuses to fully concede that there are silver linings to my situation.” LOVE this! You’re absolutely right.
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Thank you!
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